Just One Alien. Is That Too Much to Ask?

Could this thing really take our women?

Ever since I was a little boy I have wanted to see an alien land here on Earth and just freak people out. E.T. came close and was so real to me back in the day that I always kept a packet of Skittles handy just in case. But now when I watch it I cringe and eat all the Skittles myself.

After 30 years of waiting for aliens, I'm starting to lose hope. Now is the right time for them to show up if they're ever going to do it. I don't want some piddly little thing like Paul. Something cooler like Predator or Alien would be good, even one of the 'prawns' from District 9 would suffice. Humanity needs a challenge. A being it can't control. No, Joan Rivers does not count but I can see the comparison.

Crop cirlces and mutilated cattle aren't doing it for me anymore either. I want Afghani desert pyramids with mutilated Great White Sharks piled on top of it to make me truly believe. I want planet realignment and solar powered laser weapons. I want Justin Bieber's fringe to reveal in a live television interview everything it knows about blackhole physics. That's the kind of alien show of strength we need to see. We can flatten our own crops and mutilate our own cattle thanks. We don't need your help with that. We've got it down to a fine art.

So I'm putting it out there: If you're an alien and you get this message, get down here, show yourself and then do some crazy stuff. We're bored and tired of wondering. And by crazy stuff I don't mean playing music like in Close Encounters of the Third Kind ... that was shit. I mean some really outrageous stuff. Use my above suggestions and then go from there. I look forward to it. Chow for now.