Top Ten
10.
You stare anxiously out the airport window and monitor the maintenance crew to see if they are using trainee engineers. If they are, you rush out onto the tarmac with your personally downloaded copy of the correct maintenance guide for that make and model of plane and force them to follow it meticulously.
9.
You refuse to take your seat until you have spoken to the pilot and assessed their current state of mind - any sign of beligerence, tiredness, drunkenness or in your opinion, manic depressive disorder, will result in you leading the other passengers to revolt until a suitable replacement pilot is found.
8.
You find a way to make the oxgen masks drop and start cutting them off with some scissors you smuggled inside your anus - you've seen enough accidents to know how useless they really are.
7.
Knowing they'll be useless to your grieving family in three hours time, you call your stockbroker just before take off and sell all your shares in the company you're flying with.
6.
You request a personal inspection of the plane's baggage area to make sure there are no snakes on board.
5.
You freak out just before take off and activate the emergency slide to make sure no one has accidentally put tape over the plane's altitude sensors located under the wings.
4.
You look for the oldest flight attendant and ask how long they've been flying. Anything longer than 25 years is a sure sign that their time is up and results in you promptly leaving the plane.
3.
You're consistently arrested for sexual harassment because whenever the plane hits turbulence you start making out with the person next to you, figuring death is only moments away.
2.
You find out who that guy was who landed a plane in the Hudson River and you demand that he gives you a copy of his work schedule. No matter how inconvenient his flight path and schedule may be, if he's flying, so are you. Screw it, you'll get a bus or something the rest of the way.
1.
Your 'carry on' luggage is a parachute.
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