Why Do Dragons Horde Treasure?

While playing Dragon Age 2 on the PS3 this weekend I killed a few dragons and each of them had treasure for me to plunder. And suddenly it dawned on me. What is the point of this dragon treasure thing? Have you noticed this? In the fantasy genre dragons always have treasure. Why? What are they planning to spend it on? I've never seen a dragon wearing a Rolex or sporting a new Armani suit or driving a Ferrari ... and yet they collect gold and jewels as if their life depends on it. They live in a cave! It's not like they have to buy a house and pay bills. Surely dragons have as little a concept of wealth as the common fly ... it makes no sense. If anyone can justify this convention of the fantasy genre, I'd be happy to hear it.

US Citizen Celebrates Bin Laden's Execution

Job Search Propaganda

Forget the images of prison brutality you've seen on TV or read about in newspapers or even heard from the prisoners themselves. According to the state of NSW in Australia, this is what it looks like in a prison so why not consider working for corrective services ... yeah right. There's something sinister in her eyes:

Officer: "You know, I could kill you in your sleep if I wanted to. That's it, keep smiling. We're just talking ,that's all."

Royal Wedding Pics They Didn't Show You

Japan's Nuclear Crisis is Our Nuclear Crisis

Watch this clip of Dr Caldicott as she explains the extent of the Nuclear Crisis in Japan and for the rest of the world. She also discusses Chenobyl and the use of uranium in Iraq's latest conflict. I know this blog is meant to be humorous but this shit is serious.

Harry Potter and The Two Hours of Life He Stole and Never Gave Back

"Right! One of us has to act." "Don't look at me. I can't act!"

I'd heard Part 1 wasn't good but I didn't expect it to be THAT bad. Its saving grace was Helena Bonham-Carter but blimey, those kids have gotten worse with age. There were so many poorly acted scenes and badly delivered pieces of dialogue that it felt like I was watching a High School play ... and that's where this review ends. He may have stolen two hours of my life but I'll be damned if he's going to steal another two minutes.

Easter Bunny Disorders

Autistic Bunny
Is not coming to your house ... or anyone else's house for that matter. She's too busy trying to crawl into a "furry space/time wormhole" to get her ears back after they were stolen by these older, much nastier, easter bunnies.

Depressed Bunny
Hates Easter. He just can't do it anymore. He doesn't know why but he just doesn't feel like it this year. Get your own eggs. Who cares anyway?




Bipolar Bunny
Is going through a manic phase and has been arrested for scaring children in photo shoots at local malls across the country. He's been sentenced to 3 yrs jail and full psychiatric evaluation.

Anxiety Disorder Bunny
Has had his worst fears realised. His therapist told him not to worry and that he was exaggerating but as seen here, he was right, the President is trying to eat him. He rates his current anxiety level as a 9/10 and fails to remember the techniques he has been working on. It's hard to remember when the President is biting down on your frontal earlobes.

Schizo Bunny
Wants you to know the Easter Bunny is dead. There's a new bunny in town. And yeah, he's coming to your house ... he's in your hallway right now. So you better get his eggs ready or else. He's hungry. And he didn't come here to F**K around. So hurry up. Get his eggs. NOW! That's better ... thankyou.

Where Did The Time Go?

You know what I mean?

And the older you get, the faster it goes. I don't know why. It just does. It's like riding an escalator that starts out slow but hits top speed halfway through. I don't think anyone's ready when it happens either. You just kind of wake up one day and realise, "Dammit! All the things those old people said to me when I was young were true."

Anyway, I'm trying to fit all this stuff I want to do into my life while I'm still here and capable of doing it. And the new age of information technology has opened so many doors of possibility and accessibility, it's intense. I'm the kind of person who has an idea, can visualise it completely but is easily distracted and demotivated by the process of getting that great idea to come to life.

It is getting progressively easier and quicker for people to do this though and I admire the affordable creative accessibility that young people have today. I finally sound like an old fart when I start talking about cassette tapes, letters, makeshift movie theatres, fanzines etc etc. In the 80's and even early, early 90's, if I wanted a certain album, I had to trek about 200km to the specialist music store to get it or order it and wait weeks for it to arrive. Now ... wow! It's ridiculous.

Nothing is Dead. No One is Gone.

Friends:

I don't believe we will see each other in heaven some day, but in the heavens.

Take solace in the fact that all things created by the elements of the universe, to those elements return.

It is well documented in scientific circles that our planet will eventually be no more - swallowed up by the ravages of time and processes we can't control. At this time we will return to the variety of gases and particles which first created us.

Do not grieve. Take comfort in knowing that if we were magnetically and fatally drawn together in this life, all probability states our individual elements will meet together in another, as new worlds are born again.

Nothing is dead. No one is gone. Everything lives on, forever.



For my budgie Smiddy if you don't make it and for all those who I see no more. A. Tisdell 18/04/2011

Winter Washing VS Summer Washing - Who's The Winner?

 

ROUND 1

Winter Washing (Clothes)

Advantages

• Pulling clothes out of the dryer and putting them on your freezing cold body straight away. Honestly, that's the only thing I can think of. Everything else is horrible.

Disadvantages

• Having to go outside if your laundry is outside
• The amount of clothes to be washed
• How frequently you have to do it
• Trying to get them dry without a dryer
• Small window of opportunity to dry if sunlight is around and even then they might not dry
• The clothes are cold unless straight from a dryer
• The wind is too cold to dry anything
• Electricity costs go up as you use more energy for washing and drying

Summer Washing (Clothes)

Advantages

• Everything!

Disadvantages

• None!

SCORE:

Summer Washing Wins 1-0

YouTube Presenting - A Genre All of It's Own?

I haven't watched the 'How to Make a Successful YouTube Video' (evident by the shoddy videos I have posted on that site) but I'm sure it's out there somewhere and now all these YouTube "stars" and wannabe YouTube "stars" are copying it. The format and editing style goes something like this:

Host - Someone loud (I'm Australian so all Americans are loud to me) who speaks really fast.

Time - Rush! Don't let your viewer get bored. Talk at a hundred miles an hour as if the viewer's life depends on everything you're saying. Pack as much info into your video as possible in the shortest possible timeframe. It's probably based on current knowledge of short viewer attention span but it ends up as verbal diaorrhea saturating my eardrums and causing my nose to bleed from the pressure.

Editing - JumpCuts, plenty of JumpCuts ... this used to be frowned upon in traditional TV and Film editing, now it's the norm for YouTube video presenters that want to become famous. It's uncomfortable to watch but it grabs your attention ... and makes you want to punch them in the face. It's an overused style of editing - think of something yourself you unoriginal f@#%s.

Editing - Humorous aside. Some little related piece of footage that has been doctored in some way to be funny (animation, words, overdubs, whatever) often with repetition of footage and interjected with facial expression of presenter or slow motion replay for added humorous effect. Haha, oh hahaha...

Editing - On Screen Text. Just in case you're deaf, stupid or can't keep up with the motormouth presenting the YouTube video (because you don't have the same kind of access to amphetamines that they do), they add plenty of On Screen Text that mirrors what they're saying or paraphrases it, sometimes with attempted humour.

In the end, it looks like the following two examples from two different presenters:

Kill me. Please, just kill me.

Uhhhh... I'm Going to Make Horror Films in India

Haunted-3D or me outside my home after watching it?

Following my previous post about Bollywood alien films, and my assertion that Bollywood needs to move into horror films instead, I decided to do some research on what horror films, if any, had been made in India. Now, I actually take back the advice of moving into horror. It's, just not YOU. You know? Sorry India, I'm not picking on you, and yes I'm clearly ignorant of what's going on over there but what I did find horrified me in ways not generally linked to the genre.

For example: check out the director of a new Indian 3D horror film aptly titled Haunted - 3D, go here and click on 'trailer' to watch the video http://www.haunted3dfilm.com/

Uh Oh! GaGa Made a Boo Boo.

This is it. The beginning of the end for Lady Gaga. Fate has struck her down in concert as a symbol of her impending spiral towards permanant insignificance. http://news.ninemsn.com.au/viralvacuum/158506/lady-gaga-falls-during-concert.glance Marilyn Manson wants his hemorrhoid back.

That's all she is. A pop version of Marilyn Manson.

But what she seems like to me is something spawned from Marilyn Manson's anus that was banded and removed but took on a life of its own.

Pets Are the Best People

I have a budgie. His name is Smiddy. He speaks a lot and he makes a mess but he keeps me company all the time and rarely hassles me about anything. In fact, he's a lot of fun! He can say a lot of words and he dances and does all sorts of cute things.

We have our communication cues for different things. He does little things to tell me when he wants to eat, when he needs water, when he wants to go to sleep, when he wants a bath, and when he wants to get out of his cage. Meanwhile, I have cues for when I want to put him to bed and when I want him to go back in his cage and most of the time he is compliant.

We have spent many years devising this unspoken communication and respect. It's precious to me.

Sucker Punch Rocks!

If you watch the movie Sucker Punch and don't get it, you're an idiot. If you complain about lack of character development, you're still an idiot. And if you wish this movie had a small romantic narrative (which is what destroys every other Hollywood picture with an ounce of promise), yep, congratulations, you're a bonafide idiot.

This movie leaves out the unnecessary and does what is necessary: creating a dream-like world for the viewer to escape into, be entertained and made to think ... at least a little bit. It was better than I expected. I didn't think it would be able to hold my interest (so many Hollywood films are so formulaic that few do anymore) but thankfully it did and I can even say, I really enjoyed it.

Sucker Punch crosses a variety of genres to suit nearly everyone with a predilection to fantasy, soft porn, war, action, thriller, and science fiction. There's dragons, World War 1 planes, hot women, robots, big guns, small guns, plenty of chases, swords, cool moves, great music, great scenes, cool camera angles/movements and a gorgeous blonde girl with pig tails and a short skirt leading the charge. Sound good?

Where's My Bollywood Alien Flick?

Is This A Jehova's Witness Magazine Cover? WTF is that?

The Indian film industry, otherwise known as Bollywood, is a massive success ... in India. Beyond India it probably has some success in neighbouring lands but it is yet to spread that appeal to Western audiences. Why? I'll tell you why: a lack of good alien flicks.

Gaddafi's Love Letters to Obama Rejected

An Insanely Jealous Gaddafi Watches Obama Carefully

It appears Libyan leader/violent dictator/hairstyle guru, Moamar Gaddafi, is pining for US President, Barack Obama and can't stop sending him love letters ... "We can confirm that there is a letter, obviously not the first," White House spokesman Jay Carney told reporters aboard Air Force One as Mr Obama flew to an event in Philadelphia. http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/04/07/3184395.htm

This is not the first time Gaddafi has fallen in love with a US President and each occasion is being met with more severe reprisals as time goes on, Gaddafi it seems, just can't take a hint.

In 1986 US President Ronald Reagan was forced to bomb the Libyan capital of Tripoli when the CIA discovered that Gaddafi had arranged another large floral arrangement to be sent to the President as an expression of his unrepentant romantic feelings for him.

Just One Alien. Is That Too Much to Ask?

Could this thing really take our women?

Ever since I was a little boy I have wanted to see an alien land here on Earth and just freak people out. E.T. came close and was so real to me back in the day that I always kept a packet of Skittles handy just in case. But now when I watch it I cringe and eat all the Skittles myself.

After 30 years of waiting for aliens, I'm starting to lose hope. Now is the right time for them to show up if they're ever going to do it. I don't want some piddly little thing like Paul. Something cooler like Predator or Alien would be good, even one of the 'prawns' from District 9 would suffice. Humanity needs a challenge. A being it can't control. No, Joan Rivers does not count but I can see the comparison.

You Know You've Seen Too Many Episodes of 'Air Crash Investigation' When ...

Top Ten

10. 

You stare anxiously out the airport window and monitor the maintenance crew to see if they are using trainee engineers. If they are, you rush out onto the tarmac with your personally downloaded copy of the correct maintenance guide for that make and model of plane and force them to follow it meticulously.

Writer's Block ... See! I Can't Even Think of A Catchy Title ...

So, I've got writer's block all of a sudden. A few ideas went through my head: Bieber's new movie, the multiverse, daylight savings ... but nothing grabbed me. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I really want to write about writer's block either - that wouldn't be writer's block would it? Maybe I should just stop writing now. That'd be the most sensible thing for a writer with writer's block to do. But no, here I am still writing. At what point of writing is writer's block no longer writer's block? Have I reached it yet? Does a paragraph count? Maybe it's not even writer's block.

             

This is NOT an April Fools Joke

You ever have one of those thoughts first thing in the morning that just blows your mind? And then you tell someone else and it blows THEIR mind too? How cool is that?! It's cool, right? Yeah. And I had one of those this morning.

Did you see that movie or read that book? You know, The Golden Compass. I never read the book but I watched the movie. God, what a terrible movie that was, right? Shocking piece of Hollywood shite.

Pineapple Studios: Hey Starman! Sorry, but, you're not a star man ...

Have you seen the TV show Pineapple Studios? Check it out before going any further http://starmanofficial.com/

You've got to admire Andrew Stone's passion but that's where it ends for me. Props to him for giving pop stardom his best shot but the deep irony of calling yourself 'Starman' and then playing small clubs for the bulk of your existence is nothing short of sad.

If You Gag When You Brush Your Tongue, Please, Don't Brush Your Tongue

What is with some people? Seriously, if you can't handle a toothbrush rammed into the back of your throat, don't put it there!

Why should the rest of us have to put up with the sound of you almost vomiting in order to brush your teeth and get a whole mouth clean? It's 7am! I don't want to hear someone choking on their half ingested bristle-head at 7am! It's not a good start to the day, really.

Cooking Shows Will Eat Themselves

I know. It's a bold prediction but in my opinion the overdose of cooking shows on our TV screens can only lead to one thing: they will eventually eat themselves. I believe it's already begun.

Trends come and go. Cooking shows are no different. They've reached their pinnacle and are entering a downward slide to ratings oblivion. Oh sure they're still enjoying massive success at the moment but mark my words, the light in their little oven is beginning to dim as sure as Gordon Ramsay's heart is to fail from extreme levels of cortisol in his bloodstream.

"Oh Shit!" Two Words You Don't Want to Hear During Your Colonoscopy

But that's what I heard during mine! Let's critique this hospital process a little more shall we?

When I was a kid hospital staff gave me lollipops and smiles and kindness. Now as an adult they give me no sugary treats, scornful frowns and attitude. And all I did to deserve it was get older. I feel like I'm being punished for something I can't even control.

First they make you sit in a big waiting room where everyone pretends that no one else is around, busily reading or looking at their mobile phone ... and then there's the odd one that just stares right through you. After about an hour in here you proceed to another waiting room, smaller in size, uncomfortably close to that person who is STILL staring at you. It is here that you are met with an impatient staffer who processes your short stay and takes your money.

How to Deal With Voting Booth Vermin

P.Diddy Proves My Previous Blog Post About Him Is Spot On

You know the ones. They stand outside polling booths on election day and try to shove their political party's 'How to Vote' pamphlets in your hand as you walk past. Do they really think that blocking the footpath and rudely shoving papers in front of your face is going to influence you to vote for them? As if that's going to change your mind on the way to the voting booth!

Anyway, my wife loathes them. It's hilarious to watch her deal with them. I've learned to stay about 20 metres behind her so that I am not associated with her mad ramblings and extremely dismissive attitude. Neither of us like them but each of us deals with them differently.

I Can't Party With P. Diddy

I was speaking to someone today who was telling me about a person they know who has been hanging out and partying with P. Diddy and all I could think was, "How can anyone party with P. Diddy? I sure as hell couldn't? Just look at the guy."

It's his head. It's his entire demeanour. What gets me the most is he thinks he's all that and he's not. Look at those vapid eyes, that almost heroin junkie nod of the head that he seems to think is oozing sex appeal and exerting dominance over you. Puh-lease! Don't make me laugh Diddy. You're the most uncharismatic star I've ever seen in my life. How are you on my TV screen? Why are you on our airwaves? Why does anyone ever interview you on talk-shows? That's a pointless exercise if ever there was one. I mean if this was a zombie film you'd have to cast this guy as the lead character. No make up to apply, just get one of his big ass bouncers to carry him in on their shoulders and push him onto the set - INSTANT ZOMBIE!

Holy Crap! It's an Information Tsunami!

Go on, do it! I dare you. Type: 'How to create and publish an e-book' into a search engine.

Now find out how to create and publish an e-book in a clearly stated step by step process (hahahahaha) AND at the same time find out the best deal for you in terms of owning and distributing your creative work (aaaahahahahahaha) PLUS being able to get the best deal on possible royalties for your work (bwahahahahahahahahaha) AND in which formats should you release it (BWAhahahahahahahahahaha) ... and how you do that (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA).

Must we have to put up with people like this to find out what we want to know?

Man Upset About Shopping

Is original eclectic music dead??

Not according to this whacked out band. I was trolling through the mp3 pages on the Australian site
mp3.com.au and came across this bizarre combination of original music across a wide range of genres complete with crazy MSPaint images for each track and just had to check it out.

Who is this man? Why is he so upset about shopping? I still don't know but I'm glad someone's out there making this kind of dark hilarious stuff. It's definitely a refreshing break from the normal stuff we hear.

Winning! The Charlie Sheen Subversion of Standard Star Protocols

Wow! What an exciting couple of weeks it has been for the Charlie Sheen camp.

I know a lot of people out there are sick of hearing about Charlie but I for one am not. Why?

Because in a way, he is actually winning!


How, you ask. Well the main reason is this: he did not follow the usual busted celebrity process of checking out from the public view, going to rehab for a few weeks (or months), then coming back and making a formal apology to everyone in the world, pretending to be truly sorry and then regaining his original respect prior to the event.